This is goodbye for now.
It’s unfortunate it has come to this, and I apologize to everyone who was expecting a reply, or something else from me.
In the past, I have taken short breaks, without really taking a break mentally or emotionally. However, this time, I’m afraid this is going to be a long one. I’m not going to explain myself, not entirely. Just know that I am in a very bad place, have been in a very bad place, with no one to reach out to for a very long time. Roleplaying Albafica fed into it, because I relate to him too much. I always say, “Only a little.” when asked how similar we are. It was hypocritical of me to sugarcoat it out of fear. I was leeching off of him. Case and point.
My Saturn is in Pisces, meaning that it’s my life’s challenge. Go figure.
But now that I know it’s a problem, I know how I need to fix it. While the other characters I roleplay didn’t contribute to this, I’m still going to take a break from them too. I need to be away from an environment where I am susceptible to jealously and low self worth, at least until I am proud of myself again.
I don’t want to do this. I love Albafica. I love all of my characters. So much, that I can’t even put it into words. But for my own well being, and possibly the people around me, I need to do this.
Thank you to everyone who has been understanding with me for this past year, thank you for listening to me if I ever once opened up to you, and thank you for being such a huge support. I know only a few of you will really care, but please know how much it meant to me. Maybe I will come back in a few months, or maybe I will never come back, but please know that it has meant something to be a part of this community, and I have learned more about myself than I thought possible.
⋆ Detailed Headcanon Prompter! ⋆
⋆ :Minor personality flaw or quirk
✣ :Physical disability/disadvantage
✧ :Mental or emotional strength
✩ :Belief they've questioned/struggled with
✪ :Critique they have about others
✬ :Something minor they enjoy
✯ :Way they could see themselves dying
✰ :Weird thing they want to try or have tried
★ :A socially unacceptable thought they've had
✱ :Someone or something who or that has played a part in a fantasy or daydream
✲ :Something or someone they down right hate
₩ our muses are caught in a thunder storm together
"No, I did not." Shion replied between sigh. Lips curved into a frown when he looked up to the sky, in a silent curse to the Gods for pouring all of that rain iin a time like that. As always, the Aries Saint found himself annoyed over things he knew he couldn’t control— but that was just his temper anyway, wasn’t it? If only he noticed that thunderstorm a bit earlier, ah, they wouldn’t have to be like they were right now. Tired, worn out and totally soaked. "I was hoping we would reach the Sanctuary before the storm came, but it seems I was wrong." He said sounding even more annoyed— not with Albafica, but with himself. "I can try to teleport us back to the Sanctuary, but the stairs in front of my temple is as far as I can go, for now. Are you okay…?" He asked, finally turning to Albafica with a small smile curved on his lips.
His eyes only lingered on Shion for a moment longer before turning back to the road.
"…Forgive me for being selfish, I would be wet either way on my return to my own temple." he said decidedly. At Shion’s hidden deprication towards himself, Albafica softened his features and gazed back at him. "You cannot control the weather. Don’t worry, Shion."
Truthfully, he didn’t mind the rain. They were already hot and tired from the mission. At least Albafica was, sweat sticking to him uncomfortably, like being covered in a slime that wouldn’t slip from his skin. Even being covered in his clothes, it was a relief in the humid summer.
Abafica nodded, “I’m fine. Unless, you’re too tired from the mission? Should you exert your cosmos that way?”
Kardia didn’t know whether he liked Albafica’s worried expression or not. Part of him was glad he had someone that would more than gladly help him with his wounds and maybe even drag him over that couch that now seemed so appealing- But the other part of him, probably the most prideful one, was seething at the idea of being doted on as if he was a baby. He needed no pity, especially from the person he loved! That hurt more than the broken ribs in his chest and it probably showed on his face, with his gritting teeth and narrowed eyes.
When he saw the Pisces Saint dashing towards the kitchen, the Scorpio sincerely felt like turning around and make a sad attempt at wobbling out of his own temple, disappearing from his lover’s sight, hiding somewhere else, maybe somewhere dark and damp in which he could lick at his own wounds without having to see anyone’s pitiful stares diracted right at him, the Sanctuary’s assassin reduced to…That. A trembling mass of bloodied skin and broken bones.
Any possibility of fleeing and go unnoticed disappeared as soon as Albafica was back in the room with water and a cloth. The same cloth that was cleaning his chin in that very moment and that he wished to bite off as if it was some sort of offending object- Why was his brain overreacting so much? “…Let go.” He weakly pushed the Pisces’ Saint, a really poor attempt at distancing himself from those hands that made him feel weaker, if possible. “I need no aid, I am…Perfectly fine.” And that being said while covered in dirt and dried blood was the most unbelievable sentence ever.
The hesitation blossomed his concern in a way that made his stomach knot. It wasn’t uncommon for Kardia to protest in these sorts of situations, and usually, Albafica stayed out of his way. However, he couldn’t seem to let his eyes unfocus on the blood around his lover’s mouth, or the way he hunched over—was something broken?—or the ragged breathing. Sitting, waiting, and doing nothing seemed wrong somehow. Doting was difficult to avoid, but if he wanted to at least help Kardia with his bandages, he would try.
Or at least, he attempted to convince himself of it. It was plausible until he glanced into Kardia’s eyes, and it was then when his body felt heavy, like a burden. He was only trying to help! Yes, he could make a few guesses as to where the mild hostility came from, but Albafica knew he could barely stand as it was. Seeing Kardia in pain drove him to fear, but being rejected amidst the physical show of it made his throat tighten. Didn’t he understand Albafica did this because he cared?
"Perfectly fine." he repeated with a tinge of disbelief. Pulling the cloth away from his mouth, he leaned back to look the other in the eyes. "You’re falling apart, Kardia. You need help, we have to get bandages. What if you broke something?" Albafica’s voice rose an few notes higher, could feel his face showing the distress of watching the most vital person to him deny him.
"I can’t let you alone right now. What if—what if you overexert yourself and have an attack?" Albafica attempted to reach out again, trying to soothe his own nerves in the process of feeling Kardia’s cheek on his fingertips.
The corners of his lips twitched, as if deciding a smile would be too bitter. “I’m a Saint.” Was all he said.
"Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence."
[ Half of this blog is Albafica being angsty weeping over Lugonis and the other half is him going “Kardiaaaaa ♥︎” //dreamy internal sigh
why are you people still here ]